That Trans Survey, part 4 of n
May. 21st, 2010 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timWhat is this, and why am I posting it?
No particularly graphic or sensitive details behind the cut this time.
Which transgender or gender-variant people are you aware of who have been featured in the media?
Chaz Bono, Thomas Beattie, and Stu Rasmussen are ones who have been featured recently.
Do you feel transgender people are accurately portrayed in the media?
No.
Have you shared your transgender or genderqueer identity with your friends, family, and others? What was coming out like for you? Do you come out to new people you meet? If so, how do you do this?
Yes; I had to share my transsexuality with everyone in order to request that they treat me as a guy. Coming out as trans was challenging. I felt like I was crossing a boundary by sharing a very intimate fact about myself with people I didn't necessarily know intimately. That the English language forced me to choose between exposing myself to an uncomfortable degree or continuing to deny my identity didn't make this choice feel any more comfortable. And every time I met someone new, I had to decide whether I'd correct them if they used the wrong pronouns, and what I'd say if they took the correction as a reason to quiz me about my gender.
Now that people generally read my gender correctly based on my appearance, I'm comfortable coming out as trans when it's relevant, but don't go out of my way to mention it otherwise. Sometimes not coming out as trans gives me the opportunity to listen to conversations that self-styled sensitive liberal cis people wouldn't have in front of a trans person. When I find it advantageous to come out (for example, if I'm citing my experience being treated as a woman during a conversation about sexism), I generally don't hesitate to use phrases like "before I transitioned" or "back when I was presenting as female".
Many transgender people come out as lesbian or gay earlier in their lives. Was this the case for you? How was your second transition similar or different from your first?
I came out as bisexual about six months before coming out to myself as genderqueer. Both being bi and being genderqueer felt like non-events: I was dating someone of the opposite perceived gender and planning to marry him, so my bisexuality seemed invisible and like something that was too sexual to mention to people I didn't know well (somehow, mentioning I was engaged to a man *didn't* seem like something too sexual to mention). Being genderqueer was similar: in general I could never convince myself that having others know I wasn't a woman was important enough to me to justify the social disruption that coming out as genderqueer could cause. Transitioning to male was much more significant. As soon as I had a readily understood word for what I was -- a man -- I felt like I could let people know who I was and how I needed to be treated without having to back myself up with a lecture or a sermon.
Do you now or have you ever lived in a “grey zone” between genders, either by choice or by necessity? What is or was this like?
I lived in one internally -- in that I saw myself as neither male nor female, from when I realized that not being a woman was an option, at 18, to coming out as a trans man, at 26. But I don't think anyone ever perceived me that way.
What methods have you used to “pass” or to be seen by others as your chosen gender?
When I started presenting as male, I cut my longer-than-shoulder-length hair since it was the only physical attribute I could change right away. I wore baggy shirts almost all the time until I could get top surgery. I got big nerdy glasses frames. Wearing a baseball cap somehow seemed to send people's perceptions of me straight to "male". Before my voice changed as a result of testosterone, I made a point out of speaking in as low a register as I could.
Note: after filling out the survey, I realized I should have mentioned that the only notion of 'passing' that makes any sense to me is the notion of passing as a cisgender guy. I don't have to pass as a man -- I am one. My answer related to being read correctly as male, not to passing. My mistake.
What social interactions have been easy or difficult for you in your chosen gender? What are your new male or female spaces, such as bathrooms or friend circles, like for you?
I haven't found anything socially difficult as a guy except for feeling I need to take more care about interrupting or talking over women in conversations. I don't want to be That Guy. Cutting off "other women" didn't matter to me when I was perceived as one. Sometimes women who don't know I'm trans assume I won't understand things like bras, or whether women can enjoy anal sex, or what it's like to walk around alone at night while being perceived as female. It's awkward every time I have to ask myself whether it's worthwhile to explain that I do understand or whether I should just pretend I don't. And before I make sexual comments in a multi-gender space, I have to remind myself that I risk being the creepy guy who makes women feel unwelcome (since what matters is how any women in earshot perceive my comments, not how I mean them) because I can no longer be seen as that edgy subversive girl who revels in her empowered sexuality.
When I switched over to male I also switched over to an almost entirely male friend circle as a result of starting a computer science Ph.D program for the second time. I attended a women's college, and so durng my early adulthood, most of my friends were women. It was a bit of a switch to go from being the one who didn't harp much on feelings and would always prioritize a good joke ahead of sensitivity to being the one who never seemed to pick up on sarcasm and would always be earnest when others were being nihilistic.
No particularly graphic or sensitive details behind the cut this time.
Which transgender or gender-variant people are you aware of who have been featured in the media?
Chaz Bono, Thomas Beattie, and Stu Rasmussen are ones who have been featured recently.
Do you feel transgender people are accurately portrayed in the media?
No.
Have you shared your transgender or genderqueer identity with your friends, family, and others? What was coming out like for you? Do you come out to new people you meet? If so, how do you do this?
Yes; I had to share my transsexuality with everyone in order to request that they treat me as a guy. Coming out as trans was challenging. I felt like I was crossing a boundary by sharing a very intimate fact about myself with people I didn't necessarily know intimately. That the English language forced me to choose between exposing myself to an uncomfortable degree or continuing to deny my identity didn't make this choice feel any more comfortable. And every time I met someone new, I had to decide whether I'd correct them if they used the wrong pronouns, and what I'd say if they took the correction as a reason to quiz me about my gender.
Now that people generally read my gender correctly based on my appearance, I'm comfortable coming out as trans when it's relevant, but don't go out of my way to mention it otherwise. Sometimes not coming out as trans gives me the opportunity to listen to conversations that self-styled sensitive liberal cis people wouldn't have in front of a trans person. When I find it advantageous to come out (for example, if I'm citing my experience being treated as a woman during a conversation about sexism), I generally don't hesitate to use phrases like "before I transitioned" or "back when I was presenting as female".
Many transgender people come out as lesbian or gay earlier in their lives. Was this the case for you? How was your second transition similar or different from your first?
I came out as bisexual about six months before coming out to myself as genderqueer. Both being bi and being genderqueer felt like non-events: I was dating someone of the opposite perceived gender and planning to marry him, so my bisexuality seemed invisible and like something that was too sexual to mention to people I didn't know well (somehow, mentioning I was engaged to a man *didn't* seem like something too sexual to mention). Being genderqueer was similar: in general I could never convince myself that having others know I wasn't a woman was important enough to me to justify the social disruption that coming out as genderqueer could cause. Transitioning to male was much more significant. As soon as I had a readily understood word for what I was -- a man -- I felt like I could let people know who I was and how I needed to be treated without having to back myself up with a lecture or a sermon.
Do you now or have you ever lived in a “grey zone” between genders, either by choice or by necessity? What is or was this like?
I lived in one internally -- in that I saw myself as neither male nor female, from when I realized that not being a woman was an option, at 18, to coming out as a trans man, at 26. But I don't think anyone ever perceived me that way.
What methods have you used to “pass” or to be seen by others as your chosen gender?
When I started presenting as male, I cut my longer-than-shoulder-length hair since it was the only physical attribute I could change right away. I wore baggy shirts almost all the time until I could get top surgery. I got big nerdy glasses frames. Wearing a baseball cap somehow seemed to send people's perceptions of me straight to "male". Before my voice changed as a result of testosterone, I made a point out of speaking in as low a register as I could.
Note: after filling out the survey, I realized I should have mentioned that the only notion of 'passing' that makes any sense to me is the notion of passing as a cisgender guy. I don't have to pass as a man -- I am one. My answer related to being read correctly as male, not to passing. My mistake.
What social interactions have been easy or difficult for you in your chosen gender? What are your new male or female spaces, such as bathrooms or friend circles, like for you?
I haven't found anything socially difficult as a guy except for feeling I need to take more care about interrupting or talking over women in conversations. I don't want to be That Guy. Cutting off "other women" didn't matter to me when I was perceived as one. Sometimes women who don't know I'm trans assume I won't understand things like bras, or whether women can enjoy anal sex, or what it's like to walk around alone at night while being perceived as female. It's awkward every time I have to ask myself whether it's worthwhile to explain that I do understand or whether I should just pretend I don't. And before I make sexual comments in a multi-gender space, I have to remind myself that I risk being the creepy guy who makes women feel unwelcome (since what matters is how any women in earshot perceive my comments, not how I mean them) because I can no longer be seen as that edgy subversive girl who revels in her empowered sexuality.
When I switched over to male I also switched over to an almost entirely male friend circle as a result of starting a computer science Ph.D program for the second time. I attended a women's college, and so durng my early adulthood, most of my friends were women. It was a bit of a switch to go from being the one who didn't harp much on feelings and would always prioritize a good joke ahead of sensitivity to being the one who never seemed to pick up on sarcasm and would always be earnest when others were being nihilistic.
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Bathroom
Date: 2010-05-22 10:20 am (UTC)It didn't occur to me until I read the last question that transitioning would involve such changes to one's life. I can remember accidentally walking into the lady's room on several occasions. Very embarrassing! What was it like the first time to walk into the men's room on purpose?
BTW, being a naive cis-guy, I'm learning a lot. Thanks!
Re: Bathroom
Date: 2010-05-22 02:50 pm (UTC)I think the only particularly funny story was when I was staying at a campground run by a husband-and-wife couple and when I checked in, the wife called me "sir"; when I asked the next day where the bathroom was, the husband directed me to the women's room (the bathrooms were in different places).
Is that interesting enough? :-)
Re: Bathroom
Date: 2010-05-22 03:13 pm (UTC)I gather from your description that there was little anxiety about using the men's room. When you say "because it was the right space for me," I have a glimmer of a notion about what you mean, thanks to your blog entries up to now. However, in this context, I find it difficult to deeply comprehend what it means. I think I would have to interrogate you for a while before I really understood. :)
I've certainly questioned my identity (and that of others), but I haven't undergone such an upheaval that you have. Of course, I say "upheaval" because it's amazing and large to me. You have said yourself that it's more of a transition to finding your natural self-identity. And you speak about it matter-of-factly; however, I wonder what kind of emotional ride it's been. I would sometimes say "I can only imagine" at this point, but, really, I can't imagine.
Re: Bathroom
Date: 2010-05-22 03:37 pm (UTC)I may have made it sound more complicated than it was. It was really more a matter of "well, if I think of myself as a guy, I ought to be walking into the door marked 'men', and there's no time like the present." I was also trying to distinguish *that* moment from times in the past when I'd used the men's room in a "fuck this, I'm not standing in line for half an hour, try and make me care" moment.
Of course, I say "upheaval" because it's amazing and large to me.
Well, there's a reason why (I think it was) Aaron Raz Link wrote that when a trans person transitions, the people who are *actually* transitioning are the people around them. Most of the upheaval really is brought about by other people's reactions. I had a couple of months of "do I really want to do this?" but that was really more about cutting through the denial to find the identity that was obviously there than about searching for identity.
I don't know what examples are likely to ring true for you, but you know the difference between quitting a job that's making you miserable and you've just been making excuses to avoid admitting that to yourself (you can't quit because you're about to get a raise, about to get a security clearance, what would your partner do without the extra income, there's so much social status attached to this job...), and being in your teens or early twenties having no idea what career you want to pursue and feeling like any choice forecloses other options? Transitioning is more like the first.
Re: Bathroom
Date: 2010-05-22 10:56 pm (UTC)I tend to put myself in situations that are personally challenging, so that I can see who I really am. For example, as you know, I moved to another country to do my PhD. I can tell you exactly how many times someone has asked me why I, an American, came to Holland to study when there are so many good schools in the US: every single person that I met here. I did this because it is precisely what I wanted to do, not what others would expect of me. I wanted to find my own identity (of a sort), and I felt that I could benefit from this change. I have grown stronger and learned a lot about myself in the process.
This is similar to what I feel like with every major change I have made in my life. I feel the social pressure against it and the internal pressure of not being certain of the consequences. I leave the comfortable behind and press on with the difficult.
I don't know if what I'm saying matches what you said, but I have an idea. You felt that this was how your life should be, and the real problem was convincing everybody else to see it as you do.