You are part of the problem.

[tim]

A Facebook friend linked to this blog post about why you're not a feminist if you think breast-feeding women should cover up, which I liked. So I read some other posts on the same blog. A post with the title "Pink, feminism and gender cues" caught my eye, because pink and feminism are both things that I love. Lo and behold, we have soi-disant feminists writing comments like:

"My son likes pink too. I think society has already gotten to him because he knows the difference between boys clothes and girls clothes. We do buy him pink shirts when they are available in the boys section (e.g. pink polo shirt from Old Navy), but I have found myself wanting to curb his interest in girl stuff in the past out of a fear of him being made fun of." (the author)

"I try to gently encourage more gender appropriate choices for his own protection." (commenter "Rebecca")

"My son always seems to grab for the pink sparkly shoes in stores too. Eh, I just tell him they’re for girls. I am comfortable enough in my status as a feminist that it doesn’t bother me to say it." (commenter "Lynn")

And so on. Does it occur to these people that by denying their sons pink sparkly stuff for their own "protection", they're perpetuating the social norms that make it dangerous for a little boy to wear pink? After all, if more of those boys got to wear pink, they'd be a harder target for bullying (safety in numbers, as well as normalization of what's currently considered transgressive). Does it occur to them that they're creating potential bullies who may pick on smaller boys later because those boys are getting to wear the pink stuff that they themselves were denied when they wanted it?

Does it occur to them that maybe, just maybe, they're acting not so much out of desire to protect their child as desire to protect themselves from possible discomfort and embarrassment resulting from appearing in public as the parent of a little boy wearing a pink tutu?

In conclusion: no, you are not a feminist if you tell your son he can't have something because it's for girls, any more than if you tell your daughter she can't have something because it's for boys.

Comments

[anemone.livejournal.com]

I think Tim mostly has it right that it's a reaction to the "oooh, yuk, do that somewhere else".

I wouldn't mind the "oooh, yuk, do that somewhere else" if breastfeeding took as little time as taking a dump. But with a breastfeeding mother of a newborn or young kid, if you say "no breastfeeding in public", it means "don't leave the house with your breastfeeding child" (and You Best Stay In the Bedroom If Someone Visits). They eat frequently, for a long time, and often unpredictably. Covering up is great in theory, but in practice it didn't work for me. I needed two hands for the early months, which left nothing to adjust the cover. And babies squirm and sometimes pull it off. Plus, the part where there's actually anything showing is when the baby latches on, which is when you most need both hands in use. I could have gotten something look a hooter hider, but that made me feel like a giant flashing sign saying "Breastfeeding Woman Here." In contrast, with proper clothes, once baby is on to the casual observer you're just holding the baby. (Pumping isn't a good solution for other reasons.)

Also, while I'd agree that breastfeeding can be special, it's not more special than many other parentin thins, and like many other parenting things, it can also be REALLY ANNOYING.

[wkfauna.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this. That's probably the best argument against "yuk public breast": that if others don't put up with it then it effectively confines a breastfeeding woman to her house. That's a huge burden to accommodate the delicate sensibilities of others.

[juli]

Right, I completely get the practicality of it and the practical implications of "don't breastfeed in public — shouldn't you be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen anyway?", but I find the rhetoric that says that it needs to be shared with the world, is beautiful, etc., inane. It's a direct response to "breasfeeding is gross", sure, but I don't think that taking up the framing of opponents is always good or even most expedient, especially when it requires intellectual dishonesty (or the belief that you can convince others of what is beautiful rather than what you have a right to do.)

[tim]

You're really kicking the heck out of that strawman, but...

I guess the only extent to which I've seen pro-breastfeeding people say that it actively *needs* to be shared with the world is the extent to which they say that normalizing breastfeeding would help people who choose breastfeeding in cases where the deciding factor is how comfortable they'd be doing it in public. The more people doing it, the more people helping create an environment where it's an option. And I'd agree with that.

[juli]

"Breastfeeding is beautiful" is the tagline on a big-ass banner on the linked site, I'm not sure it's a strawman. wkfauna opened with asking the idea about breastfeeding needing to be shared with the world, so in my responses it's not really a strawman — maybe it was when she brought it up, but in response to her trying to reframe the question to be about anything else would be, no?

I think that "breastfeeding is beautiful" is probably there to provide a complementary function. For the people breastfeeding who want to do it in public in the open but who are afraid to, but who just can't embrace "fuck your etiquette, I'm going to do what I want", they can reframe it for themselves and get to a point where they're comfortable doing it in public even though the broader social context might be telling them that they shouldn't be. That seems useful enough, but it isn't very useful externally. And maybe it isn't ever implied to be and I've just repeatedly found myself in environments targeting nursing people.

[anemone.livejournal.com]

....I don't think that taking up the framing of opponents is always good or even most expedient, especially when it requires intellectual dishonesty (or the belief that you can convince others of what is beautiful rather than what you have a right to do.)

I agree.