I was subjected to chronic interpersonal violence. Both physical and emotional. At the hands of my parents. And I did not even realize that until after they had passed away. I stayed in my marriage far longer than I should have, and there were echoes of the emotional part of my childhood in that relationship. I played violent video games as a way to feel powerful and free of my fears for at least a little while. I have learned to be unusually observant, especially about people's emotional states. It was a tool for avoiding getting hit. And I have worked hard at creating safety for those around me.
In retrospect, I wasn't as close to my kids as they grew up than I would like to have been, because of this. I keep reminding myself that I've won the "good enough parent award" simply for not perpetrating the same violence on my kids.
In answer to your questions:
I pride myself on not being easily offended or hurt because... Why? What does it serve to get all upset? When I'm upset, I no longer have all my faculties at my disposal. I'm more likely to screw up in the safety making. But if I keep all my faculties, I can often get whatever I wanted through manipulation, especially through manipulation that happens to also be being nice. This was how I survived the war.
If not caring what other people think is a big part of who you are, why? The lack of good emotional skills learned at home led to poor socialization in school. So I wasn't safe there either. When people called me names or threatened violence, avoidance or 'not caring' was the only way to create safety. As a result, I don't have a lot of casual friends. But the friends I do have are very close.
If it's important to you to do what's objectively right, or what's right according to an abstract moral code, unmitigated by how that would affect others, why? Because I often couldn't get by trying to do what was right, I had to develop my own moral code. It has evolved over time. There are a lot of things that were within "right enough" when I was a kid that aren't "right enough" now. As far as I'm concerned, moral codes are about the most good for the most people. I have stepped in and stopped bullies because of that code. I wouldn't have done that 30 years ago, I didn't have enough faith in myself, in my ability to do that and survive. My girlfriend thinks of me as "Chaotic Good" if that makes any sense.
To speak to your point about conflict, I think an awful lot of the crappy things we do results from internal conflict.
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Date: 2016-01-30 01:05 am (UTC)In retrospect, I wasn't as close to my kids as they grew up than I would like to have been, because of this. I keep reminding myself that I've won the "good enough parent award" simply for not perpetrating the same violence on my kids.
In answer to your questions:
I pride myself on not being easily offended or hurt because... Why? What does it serve to get all upset? When I'm upset, I no longer have all my faculties at my disposal. I'm more likely to screw up in the safety making. But if I keep all my faculties, I can often get whatever I wanted through manipulation, especially through manipulation that happens to also be being nice. This was how I survived the war.
If not caring what other people think is a big part of who you are, why? The lack of good emotional skills learned at home led to poor socialization in school. So I wasn't safe there either. When people called me names or threatened violence, avoidance or 'not caring' was the only way to create safety. As a result, I don't have a lot of casual friends. But the friends I do have are very close.
If it's important to you to do what's objectively right, or what's right according to an abstract moral code, unmitigated by how that would affect others, why? Because I often couldn't get by trying to do what was right, I had to develop my own moral code. It has evolved over time. There are a lot of things that were within "right enough" when I was a kid that aren't "right enough" now. As far as I'm concerned, moral codes are about the most good for the most people. I have stepped in and stopped bullies because of that code. I wouldn't have done that 30 years ago, I didn't have enough faith in myself, in my ability to do that and survive. My girlfriend thinks of me as "Chaotic Good" if that makes any sense.
To speak to your point about conflict, I think an awful lot of the crappy things we do results from internal conflict.
Thanks for this. It was really awesome.