tim: Public service announcement

Tim Chevalier (

tim) wrote,
@ 2009-07-31 03:16 pm UTC

Entry tags:

Public service announcement

Dear world:

Please stop using the phrase "I'm sorry if I offended you."

If I'm calling you on your bullshit, your error wasn't to hurt my feelings. If I were actually hurt, I probably wouldn't have the energy to confront you about it, unless you were someone I knew well.

Rather, your error was to say something that made you look like an ignorant clown.

So why are you apologizing to me for that?

Love,

tim

Another way of saying it (in re discussion in comments here) is that there is something to learn from any criticism. If "Alice" thinks something you said makes you seem like an ignorant clown, then there's probably something in either what you said, or how you said it, or both, that's worth examining. Unless, that is, you have no respect for "Alice" whatsoever. If "I'm sorry if I offended you" connotes "I have no respect for you whatsoever", is it really a polite thing to say?

(53 comments) - (Post a new comment)
(Flat) (Top-level comments only) (Expand All)

	no subject juli 2009-07-31 10:20 pm UTC (link)
	Fuck yes. (Reply to this) (Thread) (Hide 8 comments) (Show 8 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:24 pm UTC (link)
	OH NO, YOU USED A SWEAR, AND I'M GOING TO PRETEND I'M NOT AN ADULT PARTICIPATING IN AN ADULT DISCUSSION AND BE FAKE-PRISSY AS A DISTRACTION FROM ADDRESSING YOUR POINT (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 7 comments) (Show 7 comments)

	no subject juli 2009-07-31 10:27 pm UTC (link)
	Strong idiocy requires strong characterization. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 6 comments) (Show 6 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:31 pm UTC (link)
	But, but, I've had the privilege of never having had to experience an emotion about anything in my entire life, and doesn't that confer on me the privilege of suggesting that having emotions makes one less rational and morally virtuous? MOMMYYYYYY (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 5 comments) (Show 5 comments)

	no subject juli 2009-07-31 10:31 pm UTC (link)
	"Motherfuck a window, Radio Raheem is dead." (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 4 comments) (Show 4 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:34 pm UTC (link)
	I should watch that. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 3 comments) (Show 3 comments)

no subject

juli
2009-07-31 10:40 pm UTC (link)

I found it useful since I've been exposed to a lot of bullshit arguments about it since I last watched it, and in attempting to deconstruct my reactions to those, I came away from it with what I found a much more valuable message than the one that the culture I was immersed in when it was a relevant and talked-about film (which, even in its negation, was wrong.)

Also, it's really remarkable how much DTRT feels like a play rather than a film. I'm not sure if I can convey that well, but something about the limited, relatively static environments and some of the acting style really reminds me of a very good play in a way that makes it a really enjoyable to watch in a sort of literary/intellectual way, instead of watching for enjoyment. (Though certainly some of the comic tropes are enjoyable and remind me of people who don't seem to have counterparts on the west coast, and watching how some of them fit into Lee's narrative made me examine some of my experiences with inner-city black culture as a teenager which were incomplete and which I could not make sense of at the time. [Likewise for watching The Wire a few months back, I suppose.])

(Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand) (Hide 2 comments) (Show 2 comments)

	no subject kake 2009-07-31 10:33 pm UTC (link)
	Also, what is that "if" about? If you're sorry you offended me, apologise for that. If you don't believe you really offended me, then say so. (Reply to this) (Thread) (Hide 43 comments) (Show 43 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:35 pm UTC (link)
	You see, you might be lying about whether I offended you. I can't be sure. Hence the "if". Or maybe you're just not very aware of your own feelings, of which I of course have a better understanding (despite being a stranger on the Internet). (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent)

	no subject hitchhiker 2009-07-31 10:38 pm UTC (link)
	this i can agree with. the parent not so much - what it means, specifically, is "you don't have any particular authority (in either the scientific or the mundane sense of the word) to call me on what i said; nonetheless, if it caused you personal distress, i am sorry for that" (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 41 comments) (Show 41 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:40 pm UTC (link)
	That's not how I usually see it used, and even if that's how it's being used, I don't really see how a stranger has any business being concerned about my personal emotional state. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 40 comments) (Show 40 comments)

	no subject hitchhiker 2009-07-31 10:42 pm UTC (link)
	well, if you've gone through the trouble to upbraid him, some assumption of offense is a fairly natural reaction. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 8 comments) (Show 8 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:46 pm UTC (link)
	Why? (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 7 comments) (Show 7 comments)

	no subject hitchhiker 2009-07-31 10:49 pm UTC (link)
	because people are by and large nonconfrontational unless they have some sort of stake in the discussion. a personal emotional involvement is the commonest sort of stake. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 6 comments) (Show 6 comments)

	no subject juli 2009-07-31 10:50 pm UTC (link)
	Citation needed. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand) (Hide 3 comments) (Show 3 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:56 pm UTC (link)
	Doesn't that just return to my original point, which is the false elevation of the perspectives of people who lack a personal stake in the situation being discussed? (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand) (Hide 1 comment) (Show 1 comment)

	no subject juli 2009-07-31 11:01 pm UTC (link)
	No, it isn't. "I'm sorry [if] I offended you" is dismissive of their concerns, full stop. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand) (Hide 15 comments) (Show 15 comments)

	no subject tim 2009-07-31 10:53 pm UTC (link)
	By the way, the appropriate reaction to a criticism that you don't think is well-founded is to ignore it. At best, a reply of "I'm sorry if I offended you" projects insincerity. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 3 comments) (Show 3 comments)

	no subject hitchhiker 2009-07-31 10:55 pm UTC (link)
	why is that the appropriate reaction? the person criticising you has defined the parameters of the engagement, making a broadcast statement into a personal conversation. some sort of response follows pretty inevitably - again, social conventions. (Reply to this) (Thread from start) (Parent) (Thread) (Hide 2 comments) (Show 2 comments)